How to Talk to Your Partner About Your Kinks
Opening up about your kinks to your partner can feel scary even terrifying but healthy relationships succeed on open communication especially around intimacy and desire. Whether you’re in a long term relationship or just starting out, discussing your sexual interests can deepen trust while also increasing satisfaction. Read this complete beginner’s guide to understanding kinks
Why It May Feel So Hard to Talk About Kinks
Let’s be honest.. talking about sex is already a vulnerable act. When it comes to kink there’s the added weight of fear, shame, or stigma. Maybe you worry your partner will judge you, laugh, or feel uncomfortable. Maybe you’ve tried in the past and felt shut down or maybe you think the that your desires are too “weird” or “wrong.” The truth is these feelings are incredibly common. Many people grow up without any healthy models for talking about desire, much less exploring non vanilla interests. That’s why the first step isn’t about your partner, it’s about you. Get comfortable with your own desires. Know that they’re valid.
Get Clear on What You Want to Share
Before starting the conversation, take time to reflect on what you’re feeling curious about. Kink is a vast umbrella, do you want to explore dominance, submission, impact play, dirty talk, voyeurism, or something else? You don’t have to know everything up front but having a sense of what excites you will make it easier to explain.
- Is this a fantasy or something you want to try in real life?
- Is it something you want to do to them or have them do to you etc.
- Is this kink connected to something emotional? (e.g., trust, freedom)
Choose the Right Moment
This conversation deserves privacy, time, and calm. Don’t bring it up mid-argument, during sex or when your partner is distracted. A good setup might look like:
- “Hey, I’ve been exploring some things I’m curious about and I’d love to talk with you about it when you’re free.”
Lead with Vulnerability. Not Shock Value
It’s tempting to blurt out your kink and see how they react but that can backfire. Instead share where the desire is coming from emotionally. Try:
- “I’ve been feeling a little nervous to bring this up, but I trust you and I want to be honest about something I’ve been thinking about”
Focus on your feelings and experiences.
Normalize the Curiosity
Even if your partner is open minded, they might still feel unsure how to respond. Reassure them that curiosity is normal and that this doesn’t mean something is “missing” in the relationship. You can say:
- “This isn’t about being dissatisfied — I just want to explore together.”
- “We don’t have to do anything right away. I just want to open the door to talking about it.”
- “You don’t have to share the same kink — but I’d love your support in exploring it safely.”
Remind them: just because something is kinky doesn’t mean it’s extreme, dangerous, or even physically intense. It could be as simple as a new dynamic or emotional experience.
Invite Dialogue (Not Demand)
This isn’t a sales pitch, it’s a conversation. Ask them how they feel. Give them space to process. Avoid pressure. You might say:
- “How does that sound to you?”
- “Have you ever been curious about something like that?”
If unsure that’s okay. Curiosity can grow over time. If they react negatively, ask what feels uncomfortable and explore together. Communication is a skill, not a one-time event.
Set Boundaries
Once you’ve opened the door, talk about what feels safe or off-limits. You might create a list of:
- “Hard no” activities
- “Maybe in the future” ideas
- “Excited to try” kinks
Use this opportunity to learn more about their desires too. Even if your exact kink isn’t their thing, you might discover new overlaps. Read this about five common misconceptions about kink
Final Thoughts
Bringing your kink into conversation isn’t easy but it’s worth it. The best relationships are built on honesty, curiosity, and growth. Whether your partner is instantly enthusiastic or needs time to adjust, you’ve taken a brave step toward deeper connection. Keep the dialogue open, check in regularly.
If you’re looking for a safe, supportive place to start these conversations anonymously, check out Pervert.Chat — a text-based adult chat platform that prioritizes safety and self-expression.
